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tv   Late Night With Jimmy Fallon  NBC  March 8, 2011 3:05am-4:00am EST

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captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. welcome, thank you so much. that's a great crowd right there. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." did you -- [ cheers and applause ] did you guys watch the oscars last night? [ scattered cheers ] a lot of big moments. a lot of big moments. christian bale won the best supporting actor award. [ scattered applause ] christian bale won the best supporting actor award for playing a mentally unstable drug addict. [ light laughter ] and then charlie sheen was like, "you can get an award for that? what? [ laughter ] i'll call my agent." this whole charlie sheen thing is getting crazy. this morning on the "today" show, charlie sheen said he can't remember the last time he did drugs. [ laughter ] and there's a reason he can't
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remember -- drugs. [ light laughter ] abc is airing a one-hour interview with charlie sheen tomorrow on "20/20." he would have done "dateline," but then he found out it didn't involve dates or lines. [ laughter and applause ] "take that off. i'll do '20/20.'" you guys notice this? twitter was down for two hours on saturday. it was horrible. oh my gosh, i was forced to call random people out of the phone book and just tell them what i had for lunch. [ light laughter ] like "dude, i just had a yogurt and turkey sandwich, #twittersdown. [ light laughter ] please retweet." [ light laughter ] i don't know what to make of this, you guys. a new study found that a small, nuclear war could actually reverse the effects of global warning. i don't want to sound selfish, but that sounds easier than sorting through my garbage. [ laughter ] i mean, is that -- is that selfish? >> steve: no, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how small does it have to be? >> steve: it's a hassle.
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>> jimmy: you're gonna make me wash these pickle jars? >> steve: yeah, c'mon. [ laughter ] c'mon! >> jimmy: this is cool. nascar driver tony stewart will drive a cab in las vegas for one day this week. stewart's expected to do fine, unless he has to turn right. [ laughter ] this is cool. there's a new website called, aimed at women who like computers, comic books and video games. [ one woman cheers ] in other words, it's aimed at that woman right there. [ laughter ] enjoy your own website. good for you. [ laughter ] finally, listen to this. the american academy of pediatrics is officially recommending that people under 18 should be banned from tanning salons. while parents that take their kids to tanning salons should be banned from parenting. [ laughter ] there it is, ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. give it up for the roots right there!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we've got such a great show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] it's his first time on our show, a great actor, topher grace is here. [ cheers and applause ] he's a cool dude. i like that guy. a very, very, very super-funny comedian action and now a broadway actor, jim gaffigan is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] funny dude. and we got some great music. i can't wait for these guys. glasser is going to be here, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] they're good. that's good stuff, glasser. you gotta get into that. big, big show. before we start, i just want to give a little shout out here to this cool "electronic gaming monthly." this month's issue came out and said no other show embraces gaming the way we do and we're
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very proud of that. that's very cool. [ cheers and applause ] i read this magazine growing up my whole life. i love this -- so, definitely pick this up. a shout out to everyone over at "egm." i appreciate this. >> questlove: yo, jimmy, sorry, i didn't know we were doing shotouts, can i do one? >> jimmy: sure, sure. do a shout out. go ahead. >> questlove: all right, cool. let me get some shout out music. ♪ [ light laughter ] all right. um, shout out to nike, for these, right here. [ cheers and applause ] the questlove shoes. they have my profile and the logo on the tongue, and the gordon gartrell homage buttons, right here. if you see these, grab a pair, because they're gonna be going real quick. so, big-ups to nike. >> jimmy: all right, very good. i already got mine. that's good. [ cheers and applause ] >> it's my turn, fallon. >> jimmy: sure, go ahead, kamal. there he is. >> kamal: yo, shout out to triscuits. talking 'bout regular-ass triscuits. [ laughter ] not that other low-fat crap. or the garlic and herb-flavored nonsense.
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these babies look like flat frosted mini-wheats without the frosting! better than a biscuit. wheat thins, don't risk it. try a triscuit, son. [ laughter ] regular triscuits, original triscuits, o.t., 'cause ritz crackers is throwing some bull ish. deuces. >> jimmy: oh, come on. thank you. [ applause ] some people refer ritz crackers -- >> yo, fallon. yo, jimmy, let me do one. let me do one. can i do one? >> jimmy: oh yeah, there's morgan. one of our writers. right there. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: go ahead, morgan. >> all right, yeah, i want to give a shout out right here to shamrock shakes. all right? so fresh and so green-green. st. patrick's day is coming up and you know this here is what i'll be sipping on. i like to mix it. what? with some little hpnotiq, remy. [ laughter ] i call it the green horny, 'cause it puts me in the mood to get my freak on with a drunk, irish guy, then we go back to my place and get blarney stoned. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, thank you so much, morgan. i appreciate it. thank you very much. [ applause ] >> hey jimmy, can i do one?
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can i do one? >> jimmy: sure, go ahead, sir. i have no idea how you got a microphone. but yeah, go ahead. >> yeah, yeah, yeah i'd like to shout on you to my man, carmelo anthony. [ cheers ] awesome, awesome. and now that he's a knick, i feel like he needs a hot nickname. coincidence, i'm like a nickname machine. so i mean, you want me just to come up with one, like, right now, off the top of my head or something? >> jimmy: yeah, go for it, man. >> okay -- melo as a jell-o pudding pop? [ laughter ] carmelo soprano. i came up with that. [ light laughter ] caramelized onion. that's a good one. oh, carmelo-lo-lo your boat. [ light laughter ] carmelo cleopatra. car-melt in your mouth. i mean, i could keep going on. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: what about just "the melo man"? >> that's awesome. that's an awesome one.
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>> jimmy: yeah. >> okay, wait, wait, what about this? i don't know if it's better or not. what about this? wait -- carm -- ♪ carma, carma, carma ♪ carma-carmelo ♪ anthony ♪ carmelo carmelo-oh-oh-oh ♪ >> jimmy: yeah, that's the one. i like it. we'll take that one. that's good. [ cheers and applause ] you got talent there, buddy. you got a talent there, buddy. >> jimmy! jimmy, is it my turn yet? >> jimmy: hey, that guy there, sure, go ahead. >> you're the best in the biz, jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: hey, there he is. [ cheers and applause ] >> i want to give a shout out to being colorblind. [ laughter ] like me. i can't even tell the difference between a apple and a onion. [ laughter ] i'm really hungry. i hope i bite into the right one. >> jimmy: yeah, wait, wait, wait
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but even with the colors -- [ audience groans ] even with the colors, they still look different, man. >> oh, man! [ light laughter ] why did you let me do that, jimmy fallon? [ light laughter ] why did you let me bite -- take a huge bite from that onion? why!? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just stop eating it. >> but i love apples! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i can't help you. >> tariq: hey, jimmy, let me get on. >> jimmy: all right. get on. >> tariq: hey, yo. shout out to the month of march. i'm talking spring weather, spring cleaning and college hoops. but you can't watch all that great -- that great basketball on an empty stomach. that's why when it's march madness in my house, i'm serving up my march madness mini pizzas. ♪ [ light laughter ] to whip up a batch for your family, you'll need english muffins, tomato sauce,
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mozzarella cheese, and for my family -- [ italian accent ] it's-a da poor-a pizza pie-a without-a the pepperoni-a. [ laughter ] try saying that three times fast. assembly is a snap. just stack 'em oven rack 'em and watch your kids attack 'em. here's a trotter family secret. dust these babies with some oregano, for that orega-no-holds-barred flavor. there's no better stuff than pizza on a muff. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: can we put that recipe on our website for the fans? >> tariq: i don't think so. >> jimmy: all right, fair enough. >> shout out time for your boy. let me get on! >> jimmy: oh hey, everyone, it's milky j. that's the guy who loves the hubble space telescope. what's up -- [ scattered applause ] >> yeah! oh, yeah. you know what time it is. yo, i got to give a shout out to that hubble space telescope.
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if you want to see vivid images of anything in the night sky, hubble got your back! you want to see a dying star, shrouded by a blanket of hailstones forming the bug nebula? hubble got you. [ laughter ] or what about a face-on, false light image of dust disk around star hd141569? hubble got you. [ laughter ] our even that hot, new spiral galaxy that everybody's been talking about, ngc 2841? hubble got you. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. hubble got you. >> no, man. you don't get it. hit it! ♪ ♪ oh! no matter what you're doing hubble got you ♪ ♪ walking on the beach hand in hand ♪ ♪ hubble got you putting a ikea desk together hubble got you ♪ ♪ or just cleaning your pool on the weekends hubble got you ♪ i'm out! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hubble got you. >> hubble got you. >> jimmy: okay, thank you. all right, so -- let me just get this straight, here.
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shout out to "electronic gaming monthly." shout out to nike. shout out to triscuits. shout out to shamrock shakes. [ laughter ] shout out to carmelo anthony. [ scattered cheers ] shout out to color blindness. he's still eating the onion. shout out to pizzas. and a shout out to hubble space telescope. >> hubble got you. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: avery, very good. we'll be right back with "competitive spit takes," everybody. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ hubble got you hubble got you ♪ how it feels to chew 5 gum.
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a battery donation to local volunteers. these days don't we all need someone to trust...? duracell. trusted everywhere. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. welcome back. it's time, once again, to play "competitive spit takes." here we go. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to "competitive spit takes," the game where we get audience members to tell a joke, and their friends respond by spraying them with a mist of lukewarm backwash. [ light laughter ] and then, you, the audience votes on which team performs the best.
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tonight, our contestants will be telling some classic "your mama" jokes. so, let's meet our first pair of audience volunteers. come on. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] welcome, welcome. how you guys doing? what's your names? where are you from? >> bill from south jersey. >> jimmy: good man, bill. >> and robert from philly. >> jimmy: good man -- [ cheers ] that's the magic word, "robert." [ light laughter ] how do you guys know each other? >> we went to school together. >> jimmy: oh, yeah? where'd you go to school? >> in pennsylvania, elizabethtown. >> jimmy: oh, yeah? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and friends ever since? >> um hm. >> yep. >> jimmy: oh good. awesome, buddy. well now, you know that one of you will be spitting in the other person's face tonight? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay, good. [ light laughter ] all right. does that make you nervous at all? >> not if i get to spit. >> jimmy: okay. very good. you know what a spit take is, right? it's when someone says something shocking or funny while you're drinking and -- you spit it out. all right. now, let's find out who will be doing the spitting and will be spit upon. let's bring the die here. ♪ very nice. thank you so much. as you can see, the die says "spit" on three sides and "take" on the other sides. now, we need a representative from the team to roll the die to see who will be doing what.
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>> i'll take it. >> jimmy: good. you just kind of decided that yourself? >> yeah, just right now. >> jimmy: all right, very good. go for it, buddy. good luck. [ drum roll ] oh, boy, not good. not good. [ laughter ] [ dun dun! ] not good. yeah, you get to stand over there. come on over, pal. >> okay. >> jimmy: you look too happy. [ light laughter ] very good, yeah. here you go. thank you, pal. here's your water. here's your "your mama" joke. remember, wait till he finishes the joke to release -- >> okay. >> jimmy: release the kraken. >> got it. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: audience, please keep in mind, that you will be voting on both the delivery of the joke and the spit take. take a large sip. as much as you possibly can. there. come on, a little bit more. [ laughter ] there she goes. very good, very good. okay. hold the water in your mouth till you hear the full joke and then let go on your friend. [ laughter ] don't back up! come on back in. [ laughter ] there you go. are you both ready? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay, read your joke please. >> hey, your mama is so fat that she got baptized at seaworld. [ laughter ] ♪ [ applause ]
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>> jimmy: nicely done. that went up your nose, there. how's that feel? >> wet. >> jimmy: yeah, it's like going down a waterslide, isn't it? yeah, but it's from your friend's mouth. that amazing -- [ laughter ] let's take a look at that one more time, in slow motion. ♪ yeah, that's -- you shouldn't have opened your mouth -- that was a mistake. [ laughter ] thank you guys for playing. that was pretty good. i'll see you at the round where we decide who the winners are. [ cheers and applause ] there you go. ♪ welcome to the show, you guys. what's your name and where are you from? >> i'm sam from franklin, pennsylvania. >> i'm jacob from south wales, new york. >> jimmy: very, very cool. and how do you guys know each other? >> we went to school together. >> jimmy: oh, yeah? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what school? >> st. bonaventure university. [ scattered cheers ] >> jimmy: i think i applied there. they wouldn't get me in. my grades were not good enough for st. bonaventure.
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now, you just saw the game. you think you can hack it? >> oh yeah. >> jimmy: all right, very, very good. okay, now let's find out who will be doing the spitting and who will be spat upon. here is the die. who do you -- who's gonna roll? why don't you just take it. >> i'll roll. >> jimmy: yeah. very good. go for it. [ drum roll ] he's doing the spitting. ♪ feeling good about that. okay. let's get over to it, here. here is your water. and here's your joke. here's your "your mama" joke. now, take your time with the water. take as much water as you want. it's your ammunition. you get one shot. there you go, very good. you got a lot in there? [ light laughter ] hold it in there. don't spit on yourself. [ laughter ] keep holding it in till the end of the joke and then, let go on your friend. are you okay? okay, good. wait, i think you can fit more water in there. i don't know where you're hiding it now. [ scattered cheers ] there you go. all right, good. there you go. deliver your joke. >> your mama is so fat, her belly button has an echo. ♪ [ applause ]
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>> jimmy: beautiful dusting, there. oh, my god. you can see through your shirt. there you go. yeah, let's check it out and see what that was like in slow motion. here we go. ♪ nice. nice. that was a nice misting, there. that was fantastic. you really soaked him good. what's that? we have time for -- we can have time for one more? all right, let's switch it up. perfect. all right, good. >> oh, no. [ laughter ] >> uh oh. >> jimmy: perfect, here you go. there's your water. yeah, and this one is a special "knock knock" joke. >> all right. >> jimmy: you say "knock knock" i will say "who's there?" but just take a big gulp of water. payback time, my friend. you got it? oh, yeah, yeah, he gulped it. [ light laughter ] here we go. all right. >> knock knock. >> jimmy: who's there? >> charlie sheen. ♪ [ applause ]
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>> jimmy: that's a good sound effect on that, too. let's see that one more time in slow motion. ♪ all right. -- still dripping. it's still dripping. very good. that was truly amazing. team one, step on in, over here, would you? it's time for our audience to choose which was the best joke and spit take. was it team number one? [ drum roll ] [ cheers and applause ] pretty good. or was it team number two. [ cheers and applause ] we have a winner, everybody! it's team number two! ♪ congratulations. you win a set of "late night with jimmy fallon" towels. you can dry off in style. and since no one goes home empty-handed, for the losers, we have "late night with jimmy fallon" moist towelettes. [ light laughter ] that is it for "competitive spit takes." we'll be right back with topher grace, everybody. come on back. [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know our first guest from his seven seasons on "that '70s show" and his work in films like "traffic" and "in good company." his latest movie, called "take me home tonight," is in theaters friday. please welcome topher grace. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, welcome, welcome. >> this is my first time here. >> jimmy: i -- this is very exciting. >> i'm a really, really big fan of your show, man. >> jimmy: ah, thank you so much for saying that. i appreciate that. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i wanted to have you on. >> if i can take it over for one second. >> jimmy: sure. >> jimmy -- i met jimmy a while ago. we were doing some kind of sketch for mtv or something. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and you know how you wonder
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if people on tv are really nice? especially if they seem really nice, like jimmy? you are actually as nice in person or nicer. you've always been super-nice to me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. it's all acting. it's all acting, you guys. you guys can do it, too. i'm a total phony. i -- i -- we -- we hit it off because we were just having fun, all that stuff. but then, we had another connection, 'cause my wife vacationed our whole -- her whole life in wolfeboro, new hampshire. >> she -- where i went to boarding school. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah. and your wife is also very cool. >> jimmy: thank you. >> great producer and -- >> jimmy: well, what -- wolfeboro is like -- awesome place. >> yeah., it's great until -- we were talking about this, until kind of -- it's like the greatest summer resort ever. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then, when i would go up to boarding school in the fall, they would kind of like start turning around the signs in the front of every store that would say like, "see you next spring." >> jimmy: and you're like, "not for me. i'm here for school." >> yeah, i'm here for this whole winter, right. >> jimmy: they do -- they close down the whole main street. >> a little bit of a ghost town,
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yeah. >> jimmy: but god, they have a cute parade. the fourth of july. >> thanks, dude. i was never there during the summer. >> jimmy: yeah, you really -- [ laughter ] >> god, i just said that thing about you being nice, too. >> jimmy: you should have went during the summer. it was so much fun. >> thanks. >> jimmy: did you watch the oscars last night? your buddy, natalie portman. >> uh -- >> jimmy: she won. >> yeah. natalie, i love you, baby. if you're watching. no -- [ light laughter ] i have a really embarrassing story about -- >> jimmy: it's really great. >> -- oscar winner natalie portman. >> jimmy: yeah. >> which is, we have the same manager. i don't -- i've met natalie, like a couple times. she's kind of like class president in hollywood, especially now. so, you know you want to be like, on your best behavior and she's so smart and cool. and -- so, this is a true story. my manager was like, "come to this charity event, natalie wants you to come listen to --" this is this group called finca. which i'm gonna really plug and you'll see why." i went to this event, and -- and i kind of -- they had this video and natalie was talking about -- they deal with microfinance in third world countries. so it's kind of like they set up
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banks to help people get loans to start their own small businesses and it's a great organization, finca. great, great organization. so one of the things they do is if you give $200, you can buy like, pencils for a bank. if you give like $12,000, you can buy like a bank. it's like the topher grace bank in togo, west africa or whatever. so, joking around with some friends afterward, in a group of people, someone said, kind of like, "how many banks are you gonna buy?" and i said, "oh, i'm gonna buy ten." i was like, "no, you know what? make that -- make it a baker's dozen." and everyone was laughing and it was fun, so i thought, "okay, maybe it's not as awkward as i thought, being at this --" >> jimmy: oh, no, no, this is not gonna end well. >> so then -- [ light laughter ] like a half an hour later or so, natalie kind of saw me and made a beeline over to me and said, "you -- are -- amazing." [ laughter ] and i was like, "you're amazing. [ laughter ] thank you." and she said, "no, no, you are like a hero."
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and i was like, "well, i did, you know, show up, so, yeah, i guess, kind of -- you know, you're really -- you were out there with the kids and you really are doing the work." she said, "no, no, you're getting so much more involved." and i thought -- at this point, i was like, "i'm gonna give a $1,000. i'm gonna do it. it's the height of the recession, but i'm gonna give $1,000 to this charity." >> jimmy: wow, $1,000. >> yeah. and she was so wonderful. and on the way out, like people from the charity were like kissing my hand saying like, "you're amazing," like "thank you so much." >> jimmy: kissing your hand? >> and i was like, "wow -- now maybe $2,000." and then, my manager texted me the next day and said like, "$140,000, wow, you are amazing." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: $140,000? >> yeah. and i was -- i wrote back like, "ha ha ha." and then -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what i would have said too. i would have been like, "whoa, whoa, whoa." yeah. >> yeah, he texted back "ha ha ha ha," and i texted back like, "call me." and i didn't even -- i hadn't even figured out what went down.
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i mean, everyone was so wonderful to me when i was leaving, i thought -- by the way, let me take this opportunity to say this is an amazing foundation. if anyone wants to go on the internet right now and donate to finca, i really should have brought on a website or -- >> jimmy: it's probably -- you can probably google "finca"? >> finca. f-i-n-c-a. >> jimmy: oh man. >> and the more you give, the more it will be okay for me to bump into natalie portman at parties. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: help out topher grace, you guys, okay? you have another funny story i want to talk about. it makes me laugh, is that when you had an awkward date. >> yeah, you're gonna notice a theme. i have a couple of the awkward stories. it's funny when i'm in movies, people will be like, "how are you so good at being awkward?" i'm like, "well -- [ laughter ] i'm a method actor." >> jimmy: "method actor." >> i was on this -- it was a blind date. and you know what it's like, maybe going on a blind date when you're on tv. it's kind of like a half blind date. so, but the girl seemed really cool. and this is right when we went into syndication. so, i already had been recognized by people in public, but then, like, when you go into syndication, you're on like five
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times more per day, and people were really coming up to me in subways and stuff. and going like, "oh, you're the guy from the show. eric or whatever." so i'm at this bar, and i'm having a great conversation with this girl and this date is actually going really well, and then these guys are about 20 feet -- let's say if you're the girl -- they're like behind you by 20 feet. >> jimmy: okay. >> and one of the guys goes, "oh! whoa!" and i was like, "all right." and the girl was really kind of like opening about her folks getting divorced or something and the -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: great first date. >> not the right time. but she was opening up and i really was trying to listen. >> jimmy: kind of good. this is working. >> and then, his buddy -- he like, kind of nudges his buddy and his buddy goes, "yeah! yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah!" and i was like, "all right." and then, they kept going. and then, they started going -- >> jimmy: annoying. >> "-- oh!" and really pointing at me. and finally, i was so annoyed, i said to the girl like, "excuse me." and i turned to the guys and i said, "hey, i know i'm famous, relax." and she goes, "i think they're watching the football game on the tv."
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[ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: never saw her again? >> no. >> jimmy: there you go. more with topher grace when we come back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ covergirl lashblast? 50more bristles for big bold lashes. make your look even bolder with smoky shadowblast. 6 brilliant shade duos. a unique dual ended stick for colorful smoky eyes. smoky shadowblast plus lashblast. the smoky eye made easy. from easy, breezy, beautiful covergirl. and try liquiline blast liner to intensify your smoky eye. try french's. mac and cheese need a boost ? french's helps that, too.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. i'm hanging out with topher grace, right there. he's got a great new mov, "take me home tonight." it comes out this weekend. it's set in the '80s. 1988. >> yeah. we wanted to make like, the lost john hughes movies. i'm like -- i wanted to be in the brat pack, so -- so we made it. >> jimmy: that's really cool. that's awesome. i even -- the titles alone are really cool. it's just a yearbook and flipping through the yearbook and -- take you right back to those -- >> i loved all those movies, you know, like "the breakfast club" and "16 candles." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh yeah, yeah. >> "ferris bueller," so -- we wanted to -- we wanted to --
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>> jimmy: and the soundtrack is amazing, too. whoever did that was phenomenal. >> yeah, the soundtrack's insane. yeah -- >> jimmy: do you want to explain to everyone what it is? what it's about? >> it's kind of likes "16 candles" or like one of those -- like "dazed and confused," your "american graffiti," that looks back 20 years. all, just kind of one night in the life of these three characters. me and anna faris and dan fogler. >> jimmy: oh yeah, dan fogler. >> -- go to a party and -- but it's one of those magical nights that you wish for when you're in the 20s, you know? like, "could it be tonight? could everything happen tonight?" and it was like that making the movie. it was really, really fun to make. >> jimmy: that's awesome. i like the thing that -- a lot of it's like -- you used real stuff that existed in the '80s that don't exist anymore, like -- like suncoast video. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: like, you work at suncoast video. i love that 'cause it's not just -- like the video hut or something. >> well, i actually did want to work -- i mean, i did work at suncoast video when i was younger and we wanted to make sure that it felt -- we didn't want to make fun of the '80s. we wanted to literally be in the real -- you know, everything's like a spoof of the '80s? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> i love some of those movies that make fun of the '80s but we wanted it to be like it was really made -- like we took a time machine back
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to the '80s. >> jimmy: let's go back. you worked at suncoast video? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's awesome. >> that's why i'm so well-trained to be an actor, obviously. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, duh. i worked at a video store too. did you watch the same movie -- like, i used to watch the same movie every day. >> what did you watch? >> jimmy: "groundhog day," which is weird. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: like "groundhog day" over and over and over again. i loved it. yeah, and the people that worked there were like, "someone rented it out today, jimmy. i can't believe that. it's not here." and they were just hiding it because -- >> at suncoast they had a rule, which is, you had to watch the thing that they bought too much stock in. and unfortunately -- i'm not slamming it, like suncoast doesn't exist anymore, but i had to watch "space jam" 3,000 times the summer that i -- i kind of thought ike, "ah, i'll just watch movies all summer. it will be fun." and then, i only watched "space jam." [ laughter ] >> and that is -- >> jimmy: that's the only movie you saw, ever. >> -- maybe the worst film ever made. and i'm sorry. >> jimmy: oh no, come on. >> it doesn't even have -- oh really space? you're gonna defend "space jam?" [ laughter ] sorry, michael jordan and a bunch of cartoons -- there's not even any actors in it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and they save the universe with like, basketball and magic. it's crazy.
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: sounds like it should be remade. i like it, man. come back out in 3-d. >> like chris nolan does like a reboot of "space jam." >> jimmy: they should. i think there's a bill murray cameo in there. >> that was the best two minutes of my day, every day, was when bill murray would come in, do his cameo. i'd know it -- i know the whole movie. >> jimmy: so it is like "groundhog day," it goes all the way around. >> yeah, but -- >> jimmy: see, in a weird way, you're living "groundhog day, if not that. but the movie is a lot of fun. we have a clip from it, right here. here's the clip. topher grace in "take me home tonight." >> you know, we always know when you guys look. >> not always. >> no, we do. it's true. go ahead. give it a shot. i'll look away. >> okay. >> now. >> wow. whoa. that was good. >> pretty good. now. >> wow. that's unbelievable. uh, best of seven? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's a charmer. it's a charmer.
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topher grace, "take me home tonight" is in theaters on friday. jim gaffigan joins us next. come on back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's a beautiful day inside when you use lysol neutra air fabric mist. it kills 99.9% of bacteria on soft surfaces and eliminates odors at their source better than febreze. so now a fresh home is the sign of a healthy home. for tips on a healthy home, visit subway is introducing
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is very, very funny comedian and talented actor. he's making his broadway debut in the all-star cast of "that championship season." say hello to jim gaffigan,
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everybody. ♪ ♪ when you want a hot meal without a big deal what are you gonna pick? hot pocket ♪ ♪ ♪ what are you gonna pick? hot pocket ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there he is. jim gaffigan. how are you? >> i have nightmares about hot pockets. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, you don't. >> my wife gave my daughter -- she's 18 months old, so she will just literally come up to me and go - [ baby voice ] "hot pocket." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's -- >> i'm selling that baby on ebay. >> jimmy: no, c'mon. don't do that. now, congrats on this thing. this is a big, broadway play here. >> yeah, very exciting. >> jimmy: this is awesome, buddy. >> and you're a new yorker, so you know how exciting it is. >> it's great to stay in new york for six months, doing a play. you know, as you know, i travel a lot. so it's -- you know i love new york. i love new yorkers. i was on the subway today. i saw one of my favorite types of new yorkers, the people that carry around the tiny dog in the bag?
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[ light laughter ] you know, whenever i see that, i always think, "oh, what an adorable way to let us know you're crazy." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> you know? not just adorable, it's creative. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know, they're not gonna, you know, stop bathing or start talking to themselves. they just carry around animals. and it would be one thing if the dog looked happy but the dog always has that look on their face like, "can you believe i'm sitting in a purse? i was part of mexican royalty." i love the animal crazies in new york. i have a neighbor. she has too many cats. and by that, i mean more than one, and -- [ light laughter ] she's always like, "i rescued these cats." i'm like, "you need to be rescued. [ light laughter ] and you need some air freshener." you know? [ light laughter ] she's like, "can you really tell i have cats?" i'm like, "no, but i can tell you have a box of turds in your living room." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh my god. >> always going with the turd
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joke. >> jimmy: yeah. it's always good. that's good advice, given to him from many a famous comedian. you're doing eight shows a week during this thing. >> eight shows. >> jimmy: it must be exhausting. >> it is exhausting. and i'm -- you know, i have to conserve my energy. and to do that, i try not to work out 'cause -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, c'mon. >> you know, i didn't work out today. that probably -- i haven't been to the gym in three years. >> audience member: [ cheers ] >> thank you. [ light laughter ] i -- no, i don't like to exercise. i don't think any of us do, really. that's why there are personal trainers. you know, the person you pay to make you work out at the place where you already pay to work out. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it is weird. >> gee, that's doesn't sound like a pyramid scheme to me at all. [ laughter ] you can also throw money right into the garbage for a small fee. [ laughter ] we've all gotten that free personal trainer session, right? you join a gym and the guy's like, "why don't you tell me what your workout goals are?" and i'm like, "to not work out. [ laughter ] goals?
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i'm just here so i won't eat for an hour." [ laughter and applause ] i always feel sorry for the personal trainer that's out of shape. you ever see those guys? what's their approach? "you should work out, i don't. [ light laughter ] you don't want to end up like me. my favorite machine's the vending machine." [ laughter ] i don't understand half the appeal of some of these exercise equipment. you know, like the stairmaster? how did they really sell one of those? was some guy like, "hey, you know how people love walking upstairs?" [ laughter ] "i'm pretty sure people hate walking upstairs." [ laughter ] "no, no, hear me out, these stairs are different. they never end. [ laughter ] you never reach the next floor." "what's the feeling about that?" "eventually you die." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. >> sold. "can i also interested you in a bike that goes nowhere? [ laughter ]
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i got all this stuff that does --" how are you doing, topher? [ laughter ] >> topher: i'm sold. i'm buying it. i'm buying it. >> jimmy: at least we've got tvs and stuff. they got things that make you -- keep you occupied. >> that's really what i'm doing. i'm just watching television when i'm at the gym. >> jimmy: me too. >> i'm on the elliptical, watching "the food network." [ laughter ] it's like going to an aa meeting in a brewery. [ laughter ] >> and then there's these people -- the most annoying thing is the people that are in really, really good shape at the gym. i'm like, "what are you doing here? you're done." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're wasting your time. >> what are you, rubbing that in? luckily, there's always one or two people that you look and you're like, "don't bother. [ laughter ] you're wasting your time." and then you just realize it's your reflection in the mirror. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: look at -- you're right here, look at -- look at all the other actors in this play, here. >> look at that. >> jimmy: explain "that championship season" to me, there. >> well, "that championship season" is a story of a very
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pale, good-looking guy with glasses, who -- [ light laughter ] no, it's -- it's a revival of a pulitzer prize, tony award-winning play that is based on -- and set in 1972 -- of these guys at their 20th reunion of winning the state high school basketball championship in pennsylvania. and it kind of tracks their lives and it really is an amazing cast. you know, and i was in some ebay commercials. and -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you got kiefer sutherland, you got chris noth, who's -- >> yeah. what's deceptive about all these guys is they all have this extensive theatre background. you know, kiefer, you know did his first professional play when he was 15. his mother is this amazing actress, obviously his father. and that jason patric has been on broadway and, you know, comes from a family of just performers. and chris noth, who's been on "sex in the city" and "law and order," but has been on broadway many times and went to yale drama school. and then -- >> jimmy: you're hanging with those guys. >> brian cox is two-time, you know, olivier award winner.
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and yeah, it's -- these guys are very supportive. they're very nice. but there are times when i feel like an outsider just because some of the conversations that exist. you know, they'll be discussing laurence olivier. his version of "king lear" in 1983 at the national. and i'll be like, "hey do you guys remember the theme song to 'growing pains'?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that doesn't quite work. well, i heard you're great in this. congratulations, my friend. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i appreciate it. you guys, "that championship season" is at the bernard b. jacobs theatre, right here in new york city. get your tickets now. jim gaffigan, everybody. glasser performs next. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is making her american tv debut with us tonight to perform the song "mirrorage," from her new album, "ring." please welcome glasser. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ we live alone we live alone ♪ ♪ oh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah oh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ♪ ♪ unearthed, a great divide a dark, untrusted plane the self a lonely terrain
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with temporary lines ♪ ♪ how can i trust in you? how can i trust in you? ♪ ♪ oh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah oh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm stabbing at the air at nothing but something pulls me under ♪
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♪ how can i trust in you? how can i trust in you? ♪ ♪ oh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah oh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah oh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ♪ ♪ a flaw in the flat screen of my mind's eye a hot spot in the dark mirrorage ♪ ♪ how
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can i trust in you oooh ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you so much. appreciate it. glasser! check out the album "ring" and visit for an exclusive, bonus performance. my thanks to topher grace, jim gaffigan, right there. [ cheers and applause ] oh, good man. horatio sanz! glasser, again! and the greatest band in late


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